Akatsuki Crack
by iNobody
Summary: The Summary is Inside, But Just By Reading the Title of the Story, it's Going to be Really Funny, so Please R&R!
1. Hidan's Profanity Problem

The point of these storys are to make my readers and fans laugh at theses foolish, random, and hilarious little stories. Each chapter is one little story about an akatsuki member. This one's about Hidan and its called: **HIDAN'S PROFANITY PROBLEM  **so read on and enjoy!

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"Ugh! That fucking leader won't allow me to put up Buddha posters in my chamber! God, why does he always act like a shit-head!? Damn, that dumbass is always over his head! God! I don't give a shit for this!" Hidan cursed very loudly. "Uh…Hidan? I know you're so Amish and all…but why do you always swear?" Tobi asked Hidan politely. "Because you stupid-shit, it matches my looks." Hidan looked at his purple polished nails. "Bastards! COME ON! WHEN IS OUR FREAKING MEETING!?" Hidan called out. "Hidan, it will be in just a moment." Deidara tried to calm Hidan down. "God damn it all! I forgot to pray!" Hidan swore. "Crap. I seriously need to use a bathroom. My penis is gonna burst!" Hidan shouted some more. The akatsuki members looked at each other and took one step back. "What the hell are you looking at?! I'll fu—you're mothers!" Hidan yelled.

As Hidan went to the bathroom, the akatsuki members chatted with each other. "Hidan's profanity has crossed the limit. It's gone to the utterly savage extreme!" the leader barked. "So what should we do about it?" Sasori asked. "I could always eat him if he gets to high…" Zetsu offered. "Ah, SHUT UP!" the leader cried. "Ooh! I know!" Tobi was eager to please. We could send him to Daycare Assistance Makes Ninjas Yearn Onto Utility." Tobi suggested. "Oh that daycare! Damnyou." The leader pondered. "Yeah, we'll take him there…"

Hidan came out of the bathroom holding his scythe. "I have to polish my shitty scythe because it's working like crap because it's too damn blunt." Hidan narrowed his eyes in a slit. "Oh, Hidan, I could take you to a blacksmith so he can…um…fix it for…you?" Kisame offered. "Yeah whatever." Hidan said. So Kisame and Hidan went inside the akatsuki car. It was a black limo with red moons on it. It had a hot-tub in it too. Kisame got in and so did Hidan. Kisame whispered to the driver to go to the Damnyou Daycare, when Hidan really thought he was going to a blacksmith. "Hey Kisame…nice butt." Hidan nodded coolly. "What the hell, Hidan...?" a sweatdrop appeared on Kisame's head. "Wanna go hot-tubbing?" Hidan asked. "Dude, I know your profanity is insane, but I didn't know you were gay." Kisame suddenly got the urge to wield his sword. "Sick pervert." Kisame went to the shotgun because he was scared to be in the back. When he went, Hidan stuck up his middle finger at him.

"We made the final stop." The driver announced. "Great…" Kisame was relieved. He went out of the car and Hidan followed. It was a pink, fuzzy, perfectly harmless little place filled with laughing kids and hobos dressed in huge pink heart-suits. Kisame went in to check Hidan in. "You stay out here, dude." Kisame said as he went inside. "Okay, I'll need to know his name, age, and hobby." The old lady at the desk said. "Hidan…32…a freak who does rituals." Kisame said. "Okay…come pick him up at 6:00." The old lady chewed her gum. Kisame looked at the clock. It was 3. Could Hidan last three whole hours? Who cares. Kisame snuck outside and left. "Kisame, WTF are you doing in there!?" Hidan banged on the daycare door.

"Hey Mista, you want a lick of my ice cream?" a cute girl walked up to Hidan and tugged on his cloak. Hidan turned into his skeleton-like form and roared in the girl's face. "ROOOOOOOAAAAR!" The girl was alarmed and frightened half to death. "AIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!" she screamed and dropped her ice cream.

"Hey Hidan, why are you here?" a voice said. Hidan twirled around and saw Itachi Uchiha. "Why the hell are YOU here!?" Hidan asked back. "I used my forbidden technique on the toilet…" Itachi said. "You know, the Crap-o-Flame no Jutsu?" Itachi said. "Yeah…" Hidan recalled that. "You want to get drunk?" Hidan asked Itachi. "Sure dude. There must be some beer here." Itachi smirked. Hidan walked up to a 4-year old boy and picked him up by the collar. "Hey, do you have any weed?" Hidan asked. The boy nodded. "Go get it for me." Hidan commanded. The boy went away and returned with a dandelion in his hand. "Weed." The boy gave it to Hidan. "Ugh! Frickin' retard! Don't you know what weed is!" Hidan shouted at the boy. In turn, the boy started to wail and ran around the whole place screaming for his mommy.

"There should be some weed inside the daycare." Itachi said. Right now, they were outside on the playground. "Okay, let's go, bro." Hidan said. Hidan looked in the sky, lifted his hands in the air and screamed, "AMEN!"

Inside, the clerk spotted the two akatsuki members. "You must be the guys that do the presentation! Come, come! You're late!" the lady grabbed Hidan and Itachi by the hands and rushed them into the multipurpose room. Little kids filled the whole room. Hidan and Itachi went up on stage. Itachi put on his sunglasses to look cool. "Okay kids! These two gentlemen will teach you about drugs and how bad they a—YAH!" the woman started to talk but just then she felt someone grab her behind. She turned around to see Hidan smirking. Hidan made the call me sign with his fingers. The woman stepped off the stage. "P-please, began your presentation!" she said. Then she scurried out of the room blushing. It was silent. Itachi and Hidan looked at each other. "Maybe we should sing these brats a song?" Hidan said. "Oh, I know just the one that will teach them a fine lesson." Itachi said. "Hey kids! Do you know the barney theme song?!" Itachi cried out to the kids. "Yeah!!" all the kids cheered. "Sing this to the tune of barney! I'll sing it first, then you!" Itachi said.

Then Itachi began to sing, and it wasn't pleasant. "KILL YOUR MOM! KILL YOUR DAD! KILLING MAKES ME OH-SO GLAD! WITH A GREAT BIG STAB AND A KICK FROM ME TO YOU! KILL YOUR CLAN BEFORE THEY KILL YOU!"

All the kids just stared at Itachi. Then they began to cry wildly. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the whole multipurpose room was filled with the sobs from children. "You idiot, you suck at singing!" Hidan yelled at Itachi. "SHUT THE HELL UP!" Hidan shouted so loud at the kids. The kids stopped their weeping. "Go home, get a life, or get shot! JESUS CHRIST!!!" Hidan shouted. "Let's get out of here." Itachi said. On the way back to the akatsuki hideout, Hidan and Itachi started to talk about their adventure in the daycare. "So, was it fun?" Itachi asked Hidan. "It was a damn good hell-of-a-way waste of time, you nigger!" Hidan frowned. Even though Hidan didn't stop swearing, his ass gets kicked by Shikamaru.

**THE END**

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_Please Review_

**The next story is about Kisame, so please be patient for the next chapter:**

**Kisame's Reunion**

Gaaraomae

-suki-suki!-


	2. Kisame's Reunion

Please review for this story, fans! This is about Kisame and it's called: **KISAME'S REUNION! **Prepare to laugh out loud:)

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"Kisame-san, why are you half fish?" Tobi one day asked Kisame. "Ehehehehe…most interesting question." Kisame replied. "Well you see, my father was a Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Mist, and he was… well…he was married to a fish." Kisame frowned when Tobi giggled. "Not to mock you, Kisame-san, but where are they now?" Tobi asked. "I killed my father and my mother is somewhere at Seaworld." Kisame explained. "Seaworld! Gosh! In Orlando, Florida!" Tobi was amazed. "How'd you get free?" Tobi asked. "I posed as a swimsuit manikin." Kisame said. "How clever, indeed!" Tobi applauded for the cocky Kisame.

And then their conversation was over. A few weeks later, Tobi went to Kisame again holding two Seaworld tickets. "Kisame-san! I just bought to Seaworld tickets on eBay! We can go see your mother!" he exclaimed. "One…Tobi, I don't want to see a freaking fish called 'my mother'. Two…Seaworld's all the way in the U.S and we're in Japan….and Three…those tickets are expired." Kisame remarked. "HOLY CRAP THEY ARE EXPIRED!" Tobi checked the dates. "Ebay you rip-off!!!!!!" Tobi yelled as he threw the tickets on the floor and stomped on them.

The next day Tobi reappeared with two MORE Seaworld tickets. "Kisame-san! These aren't expired! I checked the dates! Tobi is a good boy, right?" Tobi said happily. "Hmm…well I guess I could go see my mom and maybe barbecue her later…" Kisame said. "Huh? What was that last part?" Tobi asked. "Nothing, let's go." Kisame smirked.

It was a long 8-hour drive by plane. "Are we there yet, Kisame-san?" Tobi was eager. "No, Tobi.' Kisame answered. "Are we there yet now?" Tobi asked again. "Tobi, it's an 8-HOUR drive, not 8 minute drive!" Kisame shouted. 8 hours had finally passed. Tobi was munching on complimentary peanuts while Kisame slept. Finally, the announcer proclaimed, "All making a stop for SeaWorld, please exit."

"That's us, Kisame-san! That's us!" Tobi shook Kisame awake. "We're there?" Kisame asked. "Yup!" Tobi cheered. They exited and took the ramp off the plane and down onto the ground. "Now to find my---" Kisame started but Tobi interrupted. "Oooh, look Kisame-san! A rollercoaster!" Tobi cried as he went on. "No, Tobi--!!" Kisame began but Tobi had already taken his seat. He went up, up, up, up, up, up and up way into the clouds. Then finally….ZOOOOOM!!! They went rushing straight down at a 90 degree angle. Tobi's face was pale when he came off. "That was fun, Kisame-san. –hic- You should of came on, too---BLARGH!!!!!" Tobi barfed all over Kisame's cloak. "Urgh! Tobi, I just had this damn thing dry-cleaned!" Kisame yelled. Tobi gave him a weak smile.

While on the search for Kisame's mother, Tobi spotted some dolphins. "Hey Kisame-san, want to swim with the dolphins?" Tobi asked. At the moment Kisame couldn't resist. Those juicy, blood infested creatures from the deep blue… "Jaws time!" Kisame yelled. He jumped into the pool. In a few seconds the pool was tainted red. "Kisame-saa-aan!" Tobi wailed. Mr.Jaws a.k.a Kisame stepped out of the pool, mouth full of dolphin and dripped with blood. "Shall we continue?" Kisame looked at Tobi who twitched.

Finally, they reached the fish tank. "Is there any Blue Rainbow Trouts here?" Kisame asked. "Your mother was a blue rainbow trout? Beautiful!" Tobi exclaimed. "I'm sorry, but the last one just died. It was a female." The manger of the fish tank told Kisame. "I'm so sorry, Kisame-san." Tobi looked down. "Damn, I was looking forward to eating that…" Kisame said with no shame. "But, we still have it's corpse in the garbage. You can pick it out for five bucks." The greedy manager smirked. "Deal." Kisame gave the manager a five dollar bill and checked the garbage.

"Ah, here it is. The tropical blue rainbow trout." Kisame said. "Hmm, it's too smelly to eat, so--" Kisame sniffed it. "So you'll bury it and pray for happiness and peace for your mother?" Tobi suggested.

"Hell no! I'm flushing it down the toilet!"

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Well, how was that story? Lol! Thx to everyone for reading the second story about Kisame. The next one's about Sasori, so please wait for the next chapter:


	3. Evil Muppet Pals

This fanfic i made is the third story of Akatsuki Crack! Yippee.  (nn) Get prepared to die from laughing in: **EVIL MUPPET PALS**

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Sasori was cool, laid-back, good-looking…except he was a goddamned puppet. Every Friday night he'd force the Akatsuki members to watch one of his Friday Night Puppet Shows. Last week was Sesame Street. This week…he had something new planned. "I must go buy new puppets." Sasori one day said to his leader. "…So..?" the leader was suspicious that Sasori needed money. "I need some cash…" Sasori asked sheepishly. "CASH!?!?!? Where?!" Kakazu cried.

"Get lost, bone-head." Sasori punched Kakazu out of the way. "Forgive me, Sasori. I can't keep giving you money for some lifeless dolls. It's against the Akatsuki policy---besides, you have gone over our budget." The leader explained. "The Akatsuki had a FRIGGIN BUDGET!?! WHERE IS THE MONEY YOU ASSHOLE!" Kakazu jumped up and down in the need for money. "Fine. Then I'll go grow a goddamn beanstalk and climb the thing to find some useless crap to sell!" Sasori lied.

In town, Sasori met his favorite puppet seller, Gepetto. "Yo G, what you got in the store for me today?" Sasori asked. "Oh, Sasori! My favorite –yet death-defying creepy- customer!" the old man with white hair whirled around. "I have a new puppet…his name is Pinocchio!" Gepetto picked up a wooden little boy puppet. "I'm a real boy!" it said. "Shut the hell up you penis-less little nigger!" Gepetto smacked the toy across the face. "Nah…I want something more…scary." Sasori explained. "Okay then…come to the dark corner of the room." Gepetto's eyes turned red. "Mwahahaha! Mwahahaaha!" Gepetto started to laugh evilly. "Mwa—COUGH COUGH COUGH-" the old man was having a heart-attack.

"Dude, old hags aren't evil. Your days are over, you old fart." Sasori frowned at the evil-wannabe. Sasori followed Gepetto to the dark corner of the store where he saw a green frog and a pink pig. "They look cute, not evil." Sasori said. "Oh, they're evil alright…MWUAHAHA---OWW!" Sasori struck Gepetto on the head. Gepetto fell on the ground as Sasori grabbed the Kermit and Ms. Piggy puppets free of charge. "I shall name thee, MUPPET PALS! Kukukuku…!" Sasori chuckled.

On the way back, the evil puppets were chatting with each other without Sasori noticing. "Hey, Ms. Piggy, should we kill this guy at night?" Kermit asked he pig. "I don't know…he's hot. I say we sleep with him at night." Ms. Piggy smiled. Just then a wind gusted at the puppets. Sasori put them under his cloak to his chest. "SEXY!" Ms. Piggy said. "OHMIGOD…this dude's half-puppet, Ms. Piggy!" Kermit explained when he saw the chakra strings connected to Sasori's chest.

When Sasori got back; everyone was on the couch ready for him to entertain them. "Sasori…you're back." The leader said. "Dammit!" Itachi said under his breath. "Tonight's show will be Muppet pals." Sasori took a bow. He started to open up his cloak to get the puppets. They weren't there. He unbuttoned his shirt. Kisame got a nosebleed and Deidara fell in gay love.

"Stop stripping yourself, shit!" Hidan said. His cheeks were flushed. "Where are they!?" Sasori checked everywhere. Then he unzipped his pants. "Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi cried running out of the room. "Tobi will not see Sasori-san nude!"

"KERMIT! MS. PIGGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sasori screamed in the air. "I'll pray for you!" Hidan said as he put his hand on Sasori. "Fudge off, hentai!" Sasori put his clothes back on. _Sigh..._

Sasori decided to go back to bed. But once he got there, he saw Kermit and Ms. Piggy puppets having sex in the bed. "WHAT THE---!" Sasori's eyes widened. "Sasori-dono! I tried to tell him I only loved you but--!" Ms. Piggy started. "Hey bub! It's not easy being green!" Kermit the frog yelled. "MWAH!" Ms. Piggy started kissing Sasori's face all over. "Get off of me!" Sasori brushed her off. Sasori went to the cabinet to get some beer to cool him down. All the whisky and alcohol were gone. "-hic- Sorry, buster! I'm trying to quit, but…-hic-" Kermit apologized.

"Puppets…are my friends…puppets are my f-f-friends..!" Sasori kept telling himself. Mrs. Piggy came up to Sasori. "Hey big boy, you want to see something really scary?" Mrs. Piggy said as she unzipped her skirt to show her thong.

"EEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

It was morning. The Akatsuki members crowded around Sasori. "Is he dead?" Deidara asked. "Can I eat him?" Zetsu said. Kakazu checked his pockets for money. Fizz was coming out of Sasori's mouth.

"Wow, he pissed himself!" Hidan frowned. "What the hell happened to him!?" the leader demanded. All the akatsuki members shrugged. And in the night you can still hear a sound of an evil piggy laughing.

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OoOoOoOoOoOoO! Interesting. 0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o! Please review and wait for the next story about Zetsu:

**_SMOKING WEED_**

Gaaraomae

-suki-suki!-


	4. Smoking Weed

_**This one's kind of short. I'm sorry! I couldn't think of anything else. -.-**_

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One day, Zetsu was walking along the sidewalks of Nakauo Street. He passed a guy in a black suit and hood. "Hey…psst. You." The man whispered to Zetsu. "Me?" the white side of Zetsu asked. "Yeah. Would you like some weed?" the man questioned. "No thanks, I already have some…" Zetsu was confused. "I say we eat him." The black side replied. So Zetsu agreed and gobbled up the man. 

Somewhere in Zetsu's toxic stomach…

"Ugh! It smells like crap in here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the man lit a match as he looked at the decayed corpses of swallowed people. He was sitting, cramped in green sludge. The man took out his beloved cannabis. "Well, at least I still have my weed—woah!" the man dropped the match onto the drug. "Holy shit!" he cried as a fire started.

Back at the hideout, Zetsu gave a nasty burp. "Yuew, Zetsu!" cried Tobi. Itachi clenched his nose. Smoke came out from Zetsu's mouth. "Water! –choke- water!" Zetsu got on the floor and started to choke. "Ooh! He's playing charades!" Tobi said as Zetsu started to roll on the floor clutching his throat. "Uh, two words…three syllables…geez, Zetsu! You're hard." Tobi guessed. "Breakdancing?" Itachi suggested. Suddenly, Zetsu burst up in flames. "TOBI WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE!?!?!" the leader cried when he saw a shriveled up Zetsu on the floor. "Well it's his fricken fault for being so good at charades!" Itachi scoffed. "Hai! Tobi is a good boy!

"YOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm free!" the man in the now tattered black suit climbed out of Zetsu's burnt stomach. He took a flame-thrower and blazed the rest of Zetsu on fire to ash. "You stupid bitch! Don't you dare eat me!" the man took a gun and started shooting Zetsu. "Ahh. Freedom." The man turned around and was face-to-face with the leader of the akatsuki. "Hello…" the leader smirked.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!"

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_Please Review_

**Next Story is:**

**Naruto, I am Your Father!**

Gaaraomae

-suki-suki!-


	5. Naruto, I am Your Father!

**_Hola anime bretheren! This story is called _NARUTO, I AM YOUR FATHER! _I must admit i do not own Naruto or Star Wars OR Pokemon. If i did, it'd be really really REALLY screwed. So enjoy the fifth chapter! And please comment!_**

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I want to be…the very best!_

_That no-one ever was..!_

_To catch them is my real test_

_To train them is my cause…POKEMON!_

Naruto sat on the couch watching re-runs of his favorite show, Pokemon. Suddenly, a member of the akatsuki popped up and grabbed Naruto. "Hey! Let me go or I'll beat the crap out of you, datte bayo!!" Naruto kicked the intruder as hard as he could but the intruder was obviously a shape-shifter, because once Naruto kicked him he turned into Sakura. "Holy Shiznit, are you okay Sakura-chan!?" Naruto apologized. The "Sakura" said nothing and the akatsuki member carried Naruto off into space.

They came to a planet in outer space called the Narudad Trinity. The akatsuki member let Naruto go then shape-shifted back into his original self. "Hey, you're not Sakura..!" Naruto exclaimed. "No, Naruto…I am the akatsuki leader…" the man was shadowed out. "And I verse you…in a jedi duel!!" the leader cried. " 'the HELL!?!" Naruto was confused. The leader took out a red light-saber and put a black tin-can mask on. His breathing was hard. "Whoo Krsh Whoo Krsh…" the famous darth-vadar breath came out. Naruto repeated, "the HELL!?!?"

"Yaaaah!" darth-akatsuki-vadar leapt for Naruto and cut his arm off. "Holy crap what are you trying to do with me!?!!??!!?" Naruto shouted. "Haven't you ever watched Star Wars you dumbshit!?" the leader scoffed. Naruto was on the floor clutching his bloody arm. "Old granny will have to amputate my arm…" Naruto thought. "CURSE YOU!" Naruto released the seal of the nine-tailed fox and grabbed a green light-saber. "Luke---I mean Naruto…the force is strong with you, young padawan." The leader had completely gone sick in the head.

"Oh stfu!" Naruto yelled as he stabbed the leader in the stomach. Blood splurted out. "What the hell this isn't even a real sword." Naruto said looking at the thing. _Chakra sword? _

Naruto went to the akatsuki member and unmasked him. The 4th Hokage, with yellow hair…HE WAS THE LEADER OF THE AKATSUKI! "ZOMG!!!" Naruto screamed like a girl when he saw the face. "Naruto…I…am….your father!" the 5th Hokage/leader of akatsuki/annakin shouted. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" Naruto cried as he pushed the 5th Hokage off the cliff.

"Let the fox be with you…" his last words were.

"Aww, screw this!" the leader of the akatsuki turned off the television. "So leader, did you like my home video of Shinobi Wars?" Deidara asked eager to know the answer. "Yeah I would have if Naruto wasn't BLUE!" the leader glared at Kisame. "What!? I wanted to be his actor." Kisame shrugged. "And your dirty hand kept licking the screen!" he yelled at Deidara. "It tasted good…" said Deidara, soothingly patting his palm. "Urgh…hypocrites…what do I have to do to get a good movie around here!? Cum on a cracker!?!" the leader yelled.

"Ooh! Go to block busters!" Itachi squealed. The leader glared at him. "Sorry…" Itachi lowered his head.

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_Please Review_

**Hehehehe. The next story is about Tobi, so get ready for the next chapter:**

**CANDY SHOP**

Gaaraomae

-suki-suki!-


	6. BONUS STORY!

This is a bonus story and no, it's not about the akatsuki member. It's about Gaara. Laugh until your spleen cracks in: **THE RACOON-DOG PRINCE**

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Once upon a time there lived a prince in the magical town of Village Hidden in the Sand. He was known as Kazekage Gaara, or even Gaara-sama. One day, an old lady named Fritos came to his palace, requesting a place to stay. He refused and told her to go away and get shot. When she refused, he took out a bazooka and shot her six times.

Fritos was an immortal fairy, so when Gaara-sama closed the door she revived herself. "That little snobby bitch! I'll show him!" the fairy screamed. Then she chanted some magic words and left.

Gaara-sama had the good life. Pretty belly-dancers, great food, luxurious rooms…he went inside his chamber and fell asleep. The next morning he woke up and looked in the mirror. "OHHHHHH MYYYY (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp)" Gaara started to swear and curse like never before so I censored it 0.o

For there, looking in the mirror was a hideous monster raccoon-dog. Gaara-sama was then cursed to roam the streets of the village until the day he died.

In another kingdom far, far away…there lived a princess. Princess Sakura of the Village Hidden in the Leaves. She was a fair maiden with beautiful silky pink locks but she had a bitchy attitude problem. It was her 16th birthday. –a.k.a sweet 16- and all the presents she received she neither said thank you nor was pleased. Until she opened one gift, given to her by the good fairy Cheetos. It was a beautiful magic, golden shuriken. "Come on, you bastards! Let's go play with my fricken' shuriken already!" she shouted at her ladies in waiting.

So Princess Sakura and her maid Doritos were playing with the shuriken. "Catch!" Princess Sakura threw the shuriken at the maid. It hit her in the face causing her head to rip off. "Lousy catcher." Princess Sakura muttered. The shuriken bounced off and fell on a very high tree. "Damn it! Now I'll never be able to play with that crappy thing!" she yelled. "I can be of some assistance…" a voice behind her said. Princess Sakura turned around to see the ugliest thing in her life. _A raccoon-dog. _"Urgh, you're so freaking demented!" Sakura complimented him in a bad way. "Excuse me, but I can't help it if you act like a bitch, you brat-ass!" Gaara-sama yelled back.

"Anyways, I lost my shuriken up in that tree and since your so big and all; can you get it for me?" Sakura gave him a desperate face. "Under one condition…you let me be your friend. I want to eat with you and sleep with you." Gaara replied. "Why would you want to do that? Were you cursed or something?" Princess Sakura asked. "Nah, I just want to fuck with you. You're hot!" the demon remarked. "Just get my shuriken already!" the princess screamed. Gaara the raccoon-dog prince reached his hand in the air and grabbed the shuriken from the tree. He accidentally broke it in his big palms. "Ugh you stupid-shit! You did that on purpose!" the princess hollered. Then she ran back to the castle.

A few hours later, the princess, her father, the queen, and the loyal subjects were feasting on their dinner. Suddenly there was a big knock on the door. The servant opened it. "Yes?" he asked kindly. "I must see Princess Sakura. She has a promise to fulfill." The raccoon-dog at the door said. "Of course, -uhhh- sir. Just a moment." The servant was scared out of his wits. Gaara explained everything to the servant and the servant nodded and whispered in the king's ear all that happened.

"Well, bring him in, bring him in!" the fat jolly king said. "Daddy!" Princess Sakura whined. The giant raccoon-dog managed to fit under the roof of the even-giant_**er **_castle. He sat next to Princess Sakura, and he broke the chair not to mention squished 27 people with his big ass. "Feed me." He commanded the princess. Sakura looked at her dad for help. He just gave her a frown. "A promise is a promise." He said.

Sakura gritted her teeth and turned to face the beast. She grabbed a fork and said, "You want food? Here!!" and then she plunged the fork in his bellybutton. Gaara roared and Sakura marched to her chambers. "Gaara you asshole!" he cried clutching his stomach. "Please excuse my daughter." The king apologized. "It's alright, old man. Besides, the deal's not yet finished." Gaara said in a perverted way as he followed Sakura up to her chamber.

The princess was taking a shower when Gaara arrived in her room. He tried to lie on her bed but he was too big. So he waited for her on the floor. When Sakura came out, she nearly dropped her towel. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!" she cried. "Pervert! I'm half-naked!" she screamed as she threw pillows at him. "The better to see you with, my dear." Gaara chuckled as Sakura threw pillows at him.

It was a looong perverted night for our young princess. So I'm not gonna even describe it. In the morning, princess Sakura woke up to find a young teen about her age with scarlet red hair lying next to her on the bed. He woke up. "You broke the spell with your bitchiness! Hurrah!" Gaara cried. He jumped out of the bed.

There was one problem.

_He was naked. _

"MYYYYYY VIIIIIIRGGGGGGIIIINNN EYESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!"

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_Please Review for this Dumb Bonus Story :)_

Gaaraomae

-suki-suki!-


	7. Itachi's Girlie Side

"Who wants to go on a roadtrip?" Kisame offered. Everyone looked the slightest bit interested. "GET IN THE FREAKING JEEP! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Kisame screamed. All the akatsuki members filed up into Kisame's jeep, knowing what insane chakra Kisame had.

"Where do you guys wanna go?" Kisame asked.

"The Shakespearian Theatre," Sasori said.

"The exploding art meuseum!"

"There is no such damn thing!"

"Okay, then the art meuseum!" Deidara corrected himself.

"The Botanic Gardens," Zetsu suggested.

"The Candy Shop Down the Corner!" Tobi said cheerfully.

Everyone glared at the poor good boy.

"A Motel!" Hidan smirked.

"But I'm virgin…"

"It's nice to know somebody is!!" Deidara snarled, eyeing Hidan.

"What the hell are you looking at me like that for!?!?" he scowled.

Everyone got into a huge argument, except for Itachi, who was sitting silently in deep thought.

"…I want to go to the beauty salon."

"DA HELL!?" Everyone yelled.

"LISTEN UP AND LISTEN GOOD!" this was the first time anyone heard the calm, laid-back Uchiha member shouting.

"MY NAILPOLSIH IS ALL USED UP, AND I WANT A DAMN REPLACEMENT! MY CHI HAIR STRAIGHTENER BROKE, AND I HAVE A 5 YEAR WARANTEE! SO I'M GONNA BRING THE PIECE OF SHIT OVER THERE, AND GET A NEW ONE! THEN I WANT TO GET MY DAMN HAIR DONE, BECAUSE IT LOST ALL IT'S BOUNCE AND SHINE! YOU GOT THAT, ALL YOU ASSHOLES!?"

Everyone was silent.

…And then they all started to laugh so hard they wet themselves.


	8. Wonka Bonkers

**YESH! CHAPPIE 8 UP AND RUNNING!  
UP AND RUNNIN, BABY!**

* * *

"Leader-saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnn!" a whiny-voice echoed through the halls of the akatsuki hideout.

"What the fuck is it this time, Tobi?!" Pein cried out in an irritated manner.

"Zetsu stoled meh lollipop!!" he replied.

"Well then go buy another fricken one! THERE LIKE 25 CENTS!"

In an immediate reply, Tobi burst into tears. Pein smacked his head. "Cut the crap, Tobi!" he begged the newest (and most painfully annoyingest) member of the akatsuki to shut up.

"Ok, fine! If it will make you happy, we can go to the Wonka Factory down the street!"

The crying abruptly stopped. "Leader-taan?"

"…Yes, (twitch)…Tobi? (wince)"

"I WUUUUUUV YUUUUUUU!" Tobi jumped on Pein and began to hug him…too closely. 0.0

Zetsu ran into the room sucking on a lollipop and said, "WHOA! TOBI'S HUMPING PEIN!"

Hidan, as if on cue, came in. "Duuuude…what'd I miss?" he smirked. "ENOUGH!" Pein thrust Tobi off of him. "Tobi, get in the car." He grimaced. "Where are you guys going?" Itachi came in, a fresh coat of purple nail polish gleaming on his nails.

"The Wonka Factory!" Tobi remarked, smiling so giddy and gaily it freaked even the toughest Uchiha member out.

Pein went to Konan. "Konan---dearest, would you mind taking Tobi to the Wonka Factory?" Pein pleaded with his akatsuki partner. She whirled around, gritted her teeth unpleasantly, and replied with a rather ruthless tone, "OH HELL NO!"

And with that she ran out of the akatsuki hideout and jumped off of a cliff. Tobi waved to her as she left. "Ok now, Leader-san?" Tobi asked.

"Uh---wait." Pein paused. "HIDAN!" he cried out. Hidan came into the room. "What the hell do you want?! I was in the middle of a goddamn ritual!"

"Take Tobi to the Wonka Factory." He choked out. Hidan stood there, blinking unbelievably. After a few moments, he started to laugh forcefully. "Oh, for a second there I thought you told me to take Tobi to the----!" he stopped short when he realized the look on the Akatsuki leader's face.

.:SIGH:.

Tobi half skipped/half hopped to the car while holding Hidan's grubby hand. "Be more enthusiastic like me, Hidan-san!" Tobi cheered. "Enthusiastic? More like a hyper-active son of a bastard…" he mumbled.

When they got to the factory, there were two guards standing at the door. Tobi was walking merrily to the front gate when he bumped into their husky bodies. "Golden ticket," the guard uncrossed his arms to open his palm.

"Golden…ticket?" Tobi asked innocently.

"OH…." Hidan hissed. "NOUUUU!"

Tobi started to cry and wail until Hidan couldn't take it anymore. A boy walked up to the guards and was about to give a golden ticket when Hidan shoved his face in and kicked him in the crotch.

That boy happened to be Charlie Bucket.

"Tough luck, kid. DREAMS DON'T COME TRUE!" Hidan cackled as he gave Tobi the ticket. "Ohmigosh!" Tobi breathed. "THIS IS THE HAPPIEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!"

The doors of the Wonka factory opened slowly and old man Wonka came out. "Hey I know that guy…" Hidan started.

"HE RAPED MY SISTER!

* * *

**_Well, (cough) wasn't that a shocker?_**

_Please Review and Pity my Insanity_****


	9. He's Too Happy He Must be Gay

"Okay, so it's decided." Pein announced as he waved up a slip of scribbled-on paper. "On Monday, Deidara's doing the dishes."

Deidara groaned most audibly.

"Tuesday, Kisame does the laundry---." He paused. "…and no eating the soap again,"

Kisame flashed a cute grin.

"Wednesday, Sasori has garbage duty," he said. Sasori dropped his screwdriver and puppet wood and stood up. "Excuse me," he said as he got up. He calmly stepped into his chamber and echoes of cursing and yelling rung throughout.

Pein sweat-dropped. Konan was blushing the whole time at Sasori's dirty words. "Thursday, Hidan is mowing the lawn,"

"Aw mother fu$&ing B!itch damned wh0rF a$$ raping niggers!" Hidan couldn't control himself. Pein and Konan took a step back. "On Friday, Kakazu will be managing the back account…"

"I ain't managing no freaking bank account without getting paid---or stealing the money," Kakazu retorted.

Pein sighed. "Itachi, on Saturday you will be cleaning the basement," Itachi was painting his nails and looked up. "HOW DO YOU FREAKING EXPECT ME TO CLEAN SOME SHITTY MESS WHILE IM PAINTING MY FUTHER MUCKING NAILS??"

'Mmkaaay. . ."Pein winced. "And Tobi, you do the gardening while me and Konan---,"

"MAKE OUT?!" Hidan bounced in.

"---think of a new plan to capture Naruto," Pein glared at Hidan. "OH JOY! YAY! YESSSS!" Tobi cried and punched the air. "WHHEEE I GET TO WATER THE PRETTY LITTLE FLOWERS AND PULL OUT THOSE MEANIE WEEDS! MAYBE THEN I CAN BE INITIATED INTO THE MOST-WONDERFUL CLAN IN THE WORLLLLD!!!!!!!!!" he beamed.

Konan twitched and muffled laughter was heard.

"You know Tobi?" Pein said.

"Hai?" Tobi asked.

"You brighten my day."

Tobi smiled.

* * *

**I LUFF YOU TOBiiii:D**


End file.
